Hurry up, but wait. Relax! Keep tracking though, take good notes. Have fun! Don’t worry about this right now. We’re “on a break”. Ross, anyone? But did I take my temperature today? Log that in the app.
I thought the mood swings would stay away so long as the needles full of lady feelings stayed on top of the fridge and away from my belly/butt/arm. Wrong.
While this is the “summer of fun” and we have technically put our IVF
worries concerns thoughts “on a shelf way up high where we can’t reach it” (courtesy of therapy), we know that we still have to be wise. If we go back to Jackson to our FE for IVF, we want to have the best protocol targeted to our needs. In order to get that on the first go ’round, we need information. Lots of information. Lots of data points, that have to be collected ahead of time. Three months ought to do it, right? Good. We have eight. Five post surgery, by the time its all said and done.
Ideally, we won’t go back to Jackson. It will just *happen*. But we’ve noticed some things with me that may be signaling that my body just won’t *happen* on its own. It still may. I’ve not lost all confidence in my parts. I just have realistic expectations, I think. Maybe. Is anyone else confused?
Here are things I know for sure.
- We really want to be pregnant.
- I still have some lingering biological issues.
- “Relaxing” shouldn’t be this much hard work.
- I’m over the mood swings.
- We are not pregnant.
I have warred so much with myself over the last month, and increasingly over the last two weeks. I bounce back and forth between states of being. First I’ll stay off of the blogosphere (accept for sweet friends who’s stories I am invested in, y’all come right to my inbox), be still and know, live in the now, etc. Then I’m getting restless, and I need to have my sad time, reading other stories of frustration, finding solidarity with women like me, both those that I know personally and those that I feel like I know thanks to the great wide interwebs. After that, I usually binge on encouragement. I am a fiend looking for wisdom and encouragement from Jesus, King David, Paul, Hannah, Rachel, Sturgeon, Lewis, Dumbledore, Aslan, Gandolf, Charlotte York, Pheobe Buffay, Amy Farrah Fowler, my best friend(s), all of the smartest and wisest and most encouraging people I know and don’t know and aren’t real. Rinse, and repeat. I am wiped just thinking about it.
So today, I’m going to cycle back to being still and knowing. I’m going to take my vitamins with my red raspberry leaf tea (with ginger), when what I really want is a whiskey, neat with a twist. I’m going to belly breathe my way through a lower back targeted yoga session instead of channeling my inner Grinch. I’m going to laugh.
You’ve all been there. Don’t tell stories.
I’m going to keep reminding myself that He knows my babies’ birthdays. Every one of their days is planned even now. I am going to be quieted with His love, and know that he will listen to me scream tomorrow. Peace be with you, fellow sisters in the struggle, who are in the midst of one of these fertility-minded cycles of crazy.